Longing. Obsessing. Aching. The kind of yearning that brings you to your knees.
You want something so badly, it’s all you think about. If you could will it into existence, you would: A baby, an idyllic delivery, a more beautiful or healthier body, a partner, a dream job, THE house, more money… whatever it is for you.
Often, you find yourself thinking, “It’s not fair!” with the strong urge to throw a toddler-style tantrum.
Working primarily with women trying to conceive, I see firsthand what this obsessive desire for a baby does to the different energy systems in the body, through the eyes of Chinese medicine.
As you might have guessed, this intense wanting stresses the body and has a huge impact on fertility and overall health.
In fact, strong desiring can negatively effect anyone’s health, no matter what the scenario. Unless you can get to the root of your desires.
The goal is not to eliminate your desire, but to get in the right relationship with your desire.
When you intensely want something–let’s say, a baby–that hasn’t yet come to be, there is an acute internal struggle.
From a Chinese medicine point of view, this tension can manifest as Liver Qi stagnation, Heart heat, Spleen Qi deficiency, Kidney deficiency, and possibly Lung Qi deficiency if there is also an element of grief involved.
Holding on tight, feeling that tension between what you want and what is not yet manifest, binds your Qi and stops the flow of energy in your body.
In Chinese medicine, blood follows Qi. Therefore, this holding on can restrict blood flow to the ovaries, fallopian tubes, and uterus, greatly compromising a woman’s fertility and overall health.
Restricted Qi and blood flow are at the root of countless other imbalances and disease processes in the body, not just fertility.
Here are my best tips to get in the right relationship with your desire, restore Qi and blood flow, and improve your mental, emotional, and physical health (not to mention your outlook on life):
- Stop trying to think positive. Thinking positive is another form of stress that feels incongruous to what’s really happening. Feel the feelings that are arising and accept them for what they are. Feelings. Feelings come and feelings go. One of my favorite metaphors is that we are the sky and feelings are clouds that float by.
- Loosen your grip on the object of your desire. Let go. How do you do that? The first step in letting go is realizing how tightly you are holding on. Then follow the steps in this list to assist you in further letting go. (Don’t worry, letting go doesn’t mean giving up.)
- Ask yourself, what do I think the object of my desire will give me? Make a list of all the things you think you’ll have and feel if this desire finally came into your life. Realize that these things are not synonymous with your object of desire. Examples for wanting a baby: Someone to love, leaving a legacy, becoming a mother, experiencing pregnancy, experiencing unconditional love, etc. Examples for wanting an idyllic delivery: Feeling empowered, being accepted into the mom community, supporting the health of your baby, feeling in control, avoiding pain. Examples for wanting a “perfect” body: Feeling loved and socially accepted, having inner confidence, feeling healthy, getting more energy, raising libido, feeling worthy. Be brutally honest with yourself when you make this list, and always try to dig deeper.
- Face and honestly consider this hard question: What will my life look like if this desire never comes to be? What if I never have a baby? What if I have a delivery that I don’t want? What if I never reach the weight I want to be? Face your deepest fear, look it straight in the eye, and feel your grip loosen. This is the antidote to trying to think positive. It’s scary and it’s a relief all at once. I recommend journaling about what comes up for you when you ask yourself this question and simply sitting with the answers for a few minutes.
- Ask yourself how you can start to experience the feelings you listed in Step 3, whether or not you have the baby, have the idyllic delivery, get the perfect body, or whatever your object of desire is for you. Answering this question will bring you face to face with your true desire, your authentic self. For example, what are some other ways to leave a legacy, experience unconditional love, or mother somebody? How else could you feel loved, healthy, confident and worthy?
- Go deep into the feelings of your desire and follow where the questions from Step 5 lead you. This is your true self, where your authentic desires reside that want to be manifested in your life. When you feel the pure energy of your desire that is stripped of strife and tension, you feel a bubbling up of life from within. You will experience the difference of desiring from a feeling of lack, versus desiring from a place of internal abundance and wanting to share that abundance with the world.
Getting to the root of your desire will allow you to let go, to loosen your grip on the object of your desire, thus allowing the energy in your body to flow more freely, leading your mind and body back into balance, into full health, into fertile ground.
You might be surprised by what happens next. 😉
Special thanks to my mentor, the incredible Dr. Randine Lewis, for bringing to light these emotionally holistic concepts that are true to the ancient teachings and often lost in modern day interpretation and practice of Chinese medicine, especially in the world of fertility.
For the first time ever, I am opening all three of my online programs simultaneously for group sessions starting October 24th!
For a fully customized experience, choose between Fertile Woman if you are trying to conceive, Pregnant Woman if you are pregnant and want to do all you can to ensure a healthy baby, body, and delivery, or Wonder Woman if you would like to release weight and balance your hormones, whether or not you’ve had a baby.
Registration for all three programs opens October 12th at 9am MT and closes October 19th at 9pm MT. Click here for details.
Photo: Lisa Rundall Photography